She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
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I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
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I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life