I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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