and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
