i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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