I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
did i just pee glitter
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
