Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
