Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
