I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
