The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize