We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
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I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
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I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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