he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
