Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize