tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
