I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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