i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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