i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
