Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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