there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
