my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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