just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
