I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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