this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
