it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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