Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
