I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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