I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
