This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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