You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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