wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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