i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You ate ashes out of my bong
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
