If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
