i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize