you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
foreskin is a definite game changer
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
