My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
