the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
