wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
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frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
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You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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