sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
