Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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