Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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