Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Randomize
