im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
