I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
