from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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