you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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