saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
