I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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