real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
