remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
If that was your dad, he is hot
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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