Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
