I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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