shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
