it was like getting a handjob from robocop
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Randomize
