I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
