she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
