I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
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