my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
