In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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