The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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