If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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